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stories & literature

the enchanted forest

"The Origin of the Universe"

by Christofori

(This story is also available in the IRC Version)

Late one night, a group of children were out camping in the woods. They were all trying to tell ghost stories, as children of that age do when on camping trips. Anyhow, it just so happened that nearby, there lived a masterful storyteller named Christofori. The old and wise Christofori saw the children at their camp, and decided to pay them a visit.

"What are you kids doing out here?" the old man asked.
"We're telling ghost stories!" said a young male, named Slam.
"Ghost stories!" exclaimed the old master. "Well, I may not know many ghost stories, but I do know several tales of wonder about this very forest. I can tell you children if you would like."
"Oh, please do!" exclaimed Slam.
Christofori decided that at least Slam looked interested in what a good story, so he sat down with the little children to tell them a wonderful tale. He softly and masterfully begins:

"Once upon a time, there lived a mean and wicked witch, named growl. Growl was a bit of a pushover for name games, though, so she always named her companion, Libris, by taking off the "Li" and substituting a random prefix there instead. Well, one day Growl and Walkbris were walking in the forest near the witch's nasty house, and Lookbris noticed something.

"Look over there, Growl!" Sightbris said. Pointbris was pointing at a little bird chirping away merrily as he sat on a branch in a nasty oak tree. This bird wasn't a normal bird, though. This bird's name was Warhawk.

Warhawk was a powerful and wise bird, and was usually happy but sometimes extremely angry. Warhawk had a tendency to smite others walking through the forest down as they passed him. So, it should come as no surprise that Warhawk tried to smite Poorbris and Growl down instantly. Well..

When Warhawk tried to smite them down, Nastybris died instantly, but Growl's powers protected her. Growl became so enraged that her nasty pale green face turned a bright yellow color. Growl proceeded to wave her magic bean sprout (of only 5 cm in length) at Warhawk, enchanting him. Warhawk, however, was not easily enchanted. However, he definitely WAS amused.

Growl began to notice that Warhawk seemed to be laughing at her magic bean sprout (of only 5 cm in length). This made her very, very angry. Her face, now having turned a more putrid shitty brown color from the massive amount of anger inside her, screwed up into this tiny evil expression that only Growl can make. (She does this when she is very, very, very irate).

"How DARE you laugh at my magic bean sprout!" she said. "I will use it to... um..."

Well, apparently, Warhawk had had quite enough of Growl's spouting uselessness. He proceeded to smite her down again, this time with his Talon of Light. Warhawk flew swiftly towards Growl, his Talon hidden from sight until the last possible moment. Instantly, he ripped her nasty face off with his Talon of Light. The smell was so bad that Warhawk had to ascend to 12,000 meters in altitude (he knew when he got there, because his beak had a mini-altimeter implant).

Well, Warhawk didn't want to go back into the putrid smelling forest, so instead he flew to his little friend's house. His friend, Schabuda, was quite the unordinary little rabbit. Schabuda could hop higher and run faster than any other rabbit known to exist. Also, Schabuda had the nasty habit of jumping for the throat of humans and biting them in the jugular vein. So, he became known as "Schabuda the Brave."

At this point, one of the children listening said "I saw some kind of rabbit like that on Xena once..."
"Slam," Christofori said. "It's interesting that you mention Xena; Schabuda has made a guest appearance on the show."
"Really!?" Slam exclaimed in wonder.
"Yes," continued the wise master. "'Schabuda the Brave' visited the show for two episodes (non-consecutively) I believe."
"Wow, Neat!" Slam shouted. "What should I watch for, in the event I flip past it?"
"Bunny porn," said Christofori.
To this, the children all giggled softly to themselves, and Christofori noticed that he had indeed peaked their interest. Well, most of them, anyway. One of the children, James-Bond, looked as though he were about to fall right over, he was so tired!

"Anyway, Warhawk went to visit Schabuda. When he got there, Schabuda had just finished killing someone named AcidDose. No one knew why his name had been AcidDose, nor did anyone really care; it's like one of those things, the Earth moves around the Sun in a year, and no one cares why. So, anyway, Schabuda had just killed AcidDose and was munching busily on Dose's fingers.

When Warhawk flew up, 'Buda stopped long enough to say "Hey." Now, I know you're probably thinking "Right. Rabbits don't talk, except for Bugs Bunny." Well, you're right. 'Buda didn't actually SPEAK "Hey" he used UAL -- Universal Animal Language. So 'Buda and Warhawk began to have an entire conversation using UAL.

Before too long, though, Warhawk realized he was hungry. He quickly asked 'Buda if he could have a bite, to which Schabuda agreed. Warhawk swiftly bit Schabuda's head clean off. Now then, I'm sure you're wondering why in the world Warhawk would kill his best bunny-friend. So am I!

Anyway, Warhawk quickly finished his snack and soared once again high into the air. This time, he decided that he would visit another friend. He looked and looked for what seemed like ages. Everywhere he looked, he could see traces of his friend, but no sign of the friend himself. Well, Warhawk had been busily looking for his other friend (who, coincidentally, was the only other friend he had, because all of the others had been eaten by Warhawk).

Just as Warhawk was about to give up, he saw his other friend. Quickly, he swooped down and managed to make a grand entrance... into a pond!

Yes, kids! That's right. Warhawk's last friend on the entire Earth is a fish. A Fish named James; James-Bond. More specifically, James-Bond was a rather large trout. Warhawk and James began to communicate. This time, they used UUAL.. Which means...?"

The master looked eagerly to the children for the answer.
"Underwater Universal Animal Language!" Slam shouted excitedly.
"Yes, you're right. Very good!" said the master.

"So, they were talking, and James told Warhawk that he had a new thing that Warhawk just HAD to try. It was a wonderful snack. Warhawk, having just eaten, had decided to decline the offer, but James managed to convince Warhawk that he should try the snack. So, James swam off quickly to retrieve the snack. When he came back, James was carrying a small brown jar with a red lid. James slowly opened it, and Warhawk eagerly chowed down on the delicious substance. What Warhawk hadn't known is that James was a secret spy operating for the Nazi's (this WAS, after all, 1941).

James had given Warhawk his first taste of... Peanut Butter! Warhawk had never had peanut butter before. He found the substance delicious yet hard to eat, because it kept sticking all over his beak. Just then, James Bond went to bed."

Christofori, being the master storyteller that he was, had noticed that James-Bond had indeed fallen asleep, right on cue.

"Warhawk, wondering why James had left in such a hurry, flew out of the water and kept trying to rid his beak of the weird (and somewhat watered-down) peanut butter. Finally, Warhawk managed to clean himself up and again ascended into the sky. Now, he was pissed off. He didn't know why he was pissed off but he was.

Actually, the REAL reason he was pissed off is that he now only had one friend, and in order to eat him he would have to open his mouth underwater, which could cause him to drown. Now, you may be wondering how Warhawk could have eaten peanut butter underwater and not drown. Quite frankly..

So am I!

Anyway, Warhawk was not just mad because he had only one friend; he was mad because now he'd have to take the time to make MORE friends. He quickly set out to make some more friends.

He looked high and low, and finally found some glue, masking tape, and a broken kite. He quickly shaped them into the shape of a turtle, and used his powers to give life to the turtle. This turtle he named "ModStats" and, thus, he had made a new friend.

He left ModStats for a while and looked for other materials with which to make friends. He again looked high and low, and wondered suddenly what the forest smelled like. He went back to the forest, only to discover a crying Babybris lying in the midst of the place where Growl and the older Oldbris had been. Warhawk was perplexed! What had happened to the faceless Growl, and better still, how come had Kidbris been "reborn" into a crying, kicking human infant? At any rate, Warhawk took pity on Fartbris and took him in as his adopted son. Years passed and Fairybris had grown into a strapping lad of 16 years.

"How many years passed?" asked a confused Slam.
Christofori sat in thought for a moment. "Hmm.. As I recall, exactly 2 years passed in the story. Don't ask how Agebris aged so quickly. I don't know, I'm just telling the story!"
Slam still looked confused, but he seemed to understand well enough.

"Now then, not only was Sixteenbris a 16 year old male, he was also a very strange male, for a human. At least, that is what Warhawk had come to think. Anyway, Weirdbris liked to swing through the forest, screaming at the top of his lungs, as he was naked. Swingbris was flying through the trees on a vine, when suddenly he had the urge to please himself. He had heard from somewhere that pleasing himself while climbing a vine was indeed very pleasing, so he proceeded to please himself, all over the forest.

Meanwhile, back at Warhawk's tree-home, Warhawk noticed a very strange scent. Very strange indeed! Never had he detected this scent before. Suddenly, James-Bond jumped into the tree. James had been flying through the air (because, after all, he was not an ordinary rather large trout.. he was a Flying rather large trout.) James was tired, and decided to rest at Warhawk's place.

While the two were catching up on things, ModStats also arrived at Warhawk's house. Unfortunately, it had taken ModStats the entire two years that has passed to reach the house.

So, now the trio began to happily converse about life in general. Warhawk told them of his adopted sun, and how strange he was. When Warhawk tried to explain the strange primal action that Gorkbris always was doing, the others were as perplexed as Warhawk had been.

At this point, another of the children, Chroniq, looked as though he were about to fall asleep. Instantly, the master storyteller Christofori knew that he had to get the youngster's attention.

"Suddenly, the three were struck with a very serious Chroniq illness, and soon died. Of course, Warhawk can't actually die; he just played dead to fit in. Anyway, Dartbris was busy swinging through the trees on his massive vine of infinite pleasure.

Another of the children, HyoCHAN, had started spouting off some nonsense about it being morning; when, in fact, it was quite late at night, passed the children's bedtime even. Christofori managed to ignore the child long enough to finish with the story.

"Soon, though, he began to ponder his existence, in the only way he knew how: he began, yet again, to pleasure himself on his vine. Meanwhile, a young native girl was nearby walking through the forest. Her name was HYOChan. She instantly heard the strange noises that Crybris was making as he continued to pleasure himself. Instantly, she ran towards the sounds, only to find Nakedbris there, jacking off very quickly.

HyoCHAN was instantly aroused, and the two quickly became lovers. And that, dear children, is how the Universe was created.

The End!
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