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stories & literature

the enchanted forest

"The Woes of the Enchanted Forest"

by Christofori

(This story is also available in the IRC Version)

The Master Storyteller again visits the children camping in the woods, to tell them of another story. Many of those who were present at the first camping trip have returned; and have also brought new friends with them, to hear the wonderful stories that the Master Storyteller would tell! Listen with us now as "The Woes of the Enchanted Forest" are revealed:

"A Long time ago," began the Master, "in a universe not so far from our own, there was a young man named Ralesk. Ralesk was a very talented young man, but only had very few possessions to his name. So, Ralesk used to sit outside the gates to the Enchanted forest and play his banjo, waiting for passers-by to donate their spare change, so he could earn a living.

Well, one day, a little punk named Nobuyuki stopped by the gates, and he really liked the tunes that Ralesk was banging out of his ancient banjo. However, Nobuyuki did not have any money to donate to poor Ralesk. So, Ralesk hit Nobuyuki over the head with his banjo several times, until he had inadvertently knocked Nobuyuki unconscious. Ralesk didn't really mean to do this; it was one of those things that he just did. In fact, Ralesk was so damn pissed about his beard being long, that he cut it short afterwards.

Anyway, several days passed, and Ralesk became an old and wizened man (though he still sat outside the gates to the Enchanted Forest, playing his ancient banjo tunes). Well, with Ralesk's wisdom came the knowledge of the overwhelming power of "black music." Ralesk began to play the "black music" exclusively, and, as the passers-by came to hear him play, they all eventually fell under a mighty spell. Ralesk's magic soon became so great that flocks of passers-by were out there, by the gates, listening to his ancient banjo-tunes each day.

One day, Ralesk became quite annoyed with his feeble-minded crowd, and he ripped out a Nerf paintball gun and killed them all. Well, the gods did not appreciate so many of their children being killed like that. One god in particular, Stary, was so angry that he banished Ralesk to the ninth dimension, to a planet called "Earth." Ralesk was so angry, that he began to kill many other innocents on this new planet. Eventually, he found the gates to the Enchanted Forest again, and resumed playing his "black music" outside. Well, the gods didn't like to be foiled in such a manner. So, do you know what they did, children?

Slam, one of the children who had already heard the Master, was the first to raise his hand.
"Did they kill Ralesk?" asked Slam.
"No, they didn't smite him down," answered the Master Storyteller with a bemused grin.
"Did they make more children for Ralesk to kill?" asked a newcomer to the group named Kruser.
"Well, no, they didn't do that, either," said the Storyteller. Realizing that the children had gone off on several undesirable tangents, Christofori continued with the story:

"Well, I will tell you what they did. The gods were so angry with Ralesk by this time, that they banished him to the very tree house of Warhawk and Librevillebris the horny. Ralesk did not like his new home, as Warhawk was a very abusive host. The one thing that Ralesk could enjoy, however, was Rockbris' talking cat, MeowMiX. You see, MeowMiX was a bright cat, and always knew how to piss people off. This is why Ralesk liked him so much!

Well, anyway, MeowMiX had a mind of his own, and always tried to hump Virtuousbris. Every day, and every night, MeowMiX tried to steal Proboscesbris away from his secret bride HyoCHAN. Ralesk, knowing that Warhawk didn't know about Smoothbris and HyoCHAN, decided one day to inform the angry vulture about it. So, Ralesk went up to Warhawk and said "Hey! Guess what? Your son's married to that village ho!"

Warhawk didn't know what to believe at first, knowing the blotched past of Ralesk (you see, Warhawk was friends with all of the gods, and Stary had told Warhawk ALL about Ralesk and his little adventures prior to his banishment to Warhawk's pad!)

Well, all side-stories aside, sparks began to fly in the Warhawk house. Warhawk became so angry with Newcastlebris and Ralesk both that he sent them out to the black sea to gather Gamba roots for 10 hours each day. One day, while Ralesk and Dunkbris were gathering Gamba roots (yes, Gamba roots), Ralesk decided that he didn't want to work anymore, and broke out the ol' banjo and started to play his "black music." Little did he know that the "black music" had a strange and unusual effect on the Gamba roots! Not only did the Gamba roots come to life, but they started trying to eat Ralesk and Potentatebris! Well, to make a long story short, Ralesk was killed, but Choosybris taught the Gamba roots how to pleasure themselves, and they decided to spare him. Anyway, Cerebratebris and his new friends decided that they'd had enough of Warhawk's incessant beatings, and they began to formulate a brilliant plan (well, at least, they THOUGHT it was brilliant...)

Meanwhile, while Follicularbris and the Gamba roots were busy plotting, HyoCHAN was busy doing her chores in the Enchanted Forest. Every day, she would clean the ground, and straighten all of the pine cones. Sometimes, MeowMiX even convinced her to milk him. Well, Warhawk, thinking that Sanatoriabris and Ralesk (who is dead) were out gathering Gamba roots, decided to find this "HyoCHAN" himself, and see what she was all about. Warhawk flew up out of his pad in the Enchanted Forest and began to scour the lands for HyoCHAN. Finally, Warhawk spied a person that could only be HyoCHAN, and he instantly swooped down and grasped her with his Talon of Light. However, something very strange happened, because as he got hold of the frightened HyoCHAN, his Talon of Light shattered into a million pieces!

Warhawk was enraged! His precious Talon of Light was shattered into a million tiny pieces! You see, what Warhawk did not know was that HyoCHAN was actually the daughter of a god. The marriage of HyoCHAN to Seminarianbris had been arranged, and Warhawk, though he was close friends with most of the gods, didn't even know! Well, Yes, this was indeed a bad thing for Warhawk. Since his one and only Talon of Light was no longer intact, he no longer had the ultimate power in the Enchanted Forest; he could no longer decimate meaningless objects, smite poor and impoverished children, or make new friends!

Anyway, HyoCHAN was the daughter of Gargoyle, the god of clay and of Earth (not the planet, the ground!) Gargoyle and Warhawk had usually gotten along, but since Warhawk didn't like HyoCHAN, Gargoyle had placed an enchantment on her, specifically designed for cases like these. Warhawk was smitten, and Gargoyle had gotten his time to laugh his ass off.

Meanwhile, Reedybris and the Gamba roots had decided to enact their plan right away. No, I can't tell you what their plan is; it would spoil the story! (Besides.. I don't even know!) Well, Insurrectbris and the Gamba roots set out for Warhawk's pad in the forest. When they arrived, however, they found the place empty; save for a half-dead flying rather-large trout named James-Bond. Libertarianbris was instantly confused; where could his abusive adopted father have gone? Just at this moment, HyoCHAN appeared to Whorlbris in a dream. She began to speak to him:

"Preparationbris! You have to help me! I need to find MeowMiX!" urged HyoCHAN.
Knowledgeablebris, still very confused as to how he so suddenly fell asleep, was even more confused that his beloved wife seemed to prefer the talking cat to him these daze. Well, little did Speciesbris know that MeowMiX was, himself, a very special beast; but that is for another story..!

Anyway, Persiabris instantly awoke to find the Gamba roots gone, and himself lying alone, naked, in the middle of the enchanted forest. Not only that, but he was covered in this sticky purple goo that he had never seen, smelt, touched, felt, or tasted before (Yes, Bunbris is rather adventurous when it comes to "new things"...) Well, as it turns out, the Gamba roots got mad at Perfidybris for falling asleep so suddenly, and they decided to rape him while he was unaware. Plyscorebris, not knowing that he'd lost part of his dignity to a bunch of self-righteous Gamba roots, instantly began trying to free himself from the sticky purple goo.

Suddenly, a strange man came forth, armed with a very sharp razor blade. This man was X-Acto. X-Acto appeared and quickly freed Lustrousbris from the Gambasmeg. Steadfastbris was beside himself with joy! Now, not only was he free, but he no longer had that very bad (but somehow intoxicating) taste in his mouth anymore! Byroadbris began to thank X-Acto the only way he knew how: he taught X-Acto how to pleasure himself.

Meanwhile, Warhawk lay dazed and confused in the middle of nowhere, which was, itself, in the middle of the Enchanted Forest. He was beside himself with anguish! How could his beloved and powerful Talon of Light have been destroyed by a stupid bitch? Well.. HyoCHAN wasn't there anymore; though she did stay to laugh at Warhawk for a bit. She went off looking for MeowMiX. Well, Stary took pity on Warhawk, and lifted him up and took him back to his pad so he could recover.

Nearestbris, on the other hand, had set out to find HyoCHAN. Little did they know that a trickster god was going to intervene..! This god (who shall remain nameless, to protect the identity of the innocent) decided that he would play the cruelest, most devious trick on the two ill-fated lovers. The trickster god reincarnated Ralesk; but, there was a catch.

The children, all dying to know what was going to happen, began to squirm in their seats as they waited in anticipation for the tricky catch that Christofori had mentioned.

"Was Ralesk to be alive for only one minute, like the all-powerful Barry?" asked Slam.
"Nope! Not quite!" said Christofori with a sly grin.
"He was a girl?" asked BardCat.
"Hehehe, no... Well.. not EXACTLY, anyway," answered the Master, as he chose his words very carefully.

"OK, well," Christofori continued, "Ralesk was reincarnated; but he was still somewhat of a ghost. He seemed real enough to those whom he appeared to, but, in reality, once you're dead, you're dead... right?? Anyway, Ralesk's conditions were that he could only appear to two people. Any guesses as to whom?"

Kruser, thinking he would be clever, answered "To you, Christofori, and to Ralesk himself?"
"No, but a good try!" answered the Master.
"Oh, I KNOW I KNOW!" exclaimed Slam.
Christofori, unable to resist his curiosity to hear Slam's answer, allowed the child to field a guess.
"HyoCHAN and... Nervousbris?" asked Slam excitedly.
"Aw! Slam always knows!" complained Kruser.
"Well, Slam! I can see you have the potential to become a great storyteller one day! You are right!" exclaimed a surprised Christofori as Slam looked insanely proud of himself.

"Yes, Ralesk could now only appear to Wastagebris and HyoCHAN. There was still another catch to this treachery, though! You see, when Ralesk appeared to Okaybris, he would look, convincingly enough, like HyoCHAN; and when he appeared to HyoCHAN, he would look like..?"

Slam, unable to contain himself, instantly blurted out his answer: "Identicalbris!"
"No, Slam! You disappoint me! You had such great potential, too!" declared Christofori.
Slam was obviously confused. None of the other children dared to venture a guess, so Slam began to think to himself out loud:
"To HyoCHAN he would look like HyoCHAN also? Wait, no... Um.. I thought to HyoCHAN he would look like Disappointedbris..."
"Slam, no, but at least you've got some ideas!" encouraged Christofori.

"Well, to HyoCHAN, Ralesk would appear to be MeowMiX! So, Ralesk got to have some fun (and his way) with BOTH HyoCHAN and Diamagnetismbris. This made the infamous god of mischief very happy. Anyway, Komsip.. er.. the god of Mischief took great pleasure in watching Onomatopoeicbris make love to a man, and HyoCHAN make love to her little "beast of pleasure." Well, some unfortunate side effects took place as a result of these unholy unions.. Balzacbris seems to have gotten the worse end of the deal, as his pecker rotted off and fell to the forest ground. HyoCHAN, however, wasn't so lucky... HyoCHAN became pregnant with the evil ghost's child! And this, dear children, is the end of this chapter! You will have to wait until the next installment to find out what has happened!

The End!
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