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stories & literature

christofori's enlightenment

"Part One"

by Libris

Ok, they say that revenge is sweet, and I plan on eating an entire dessert menu here. This story will of course lack the spontaneity of Christofori's hilarious IRC stories, but I prefer to write at a slow pace, and people would just get bored if this was released on IRC. But enough chit-chat! On with the tale...

DISCLAIMER: Libris takes no responsibility for any unnatural behavior displayed after reading this story. All characters, names, places and events are 100% REAL and DID happen!



It was a gloomy night in the Enchanted Forest, full of swirling mist, damp pinecones and of course an opening cliché. Around a small campfire sit a party of five. Christofori is currently at the center of attention, he strokes his goatee thoughtfully, Kruser, AcidSoul, AcidDose and Schabuda watch his every move, as if they are waiting for him to say something extremely enigmatic or wondrous. At length Christofori sits back, opens his mouth briefly, then decides against whatever he was going to say and instead lets off an eardrum-bursting fart. Birds fall out of trees, skunks die of asphyxiation and of course, due to the vast methane quantities now present in the air, the humble little campfire flares up.

Kruser is the first to scream: his hair now a dancing mass of flames, AcidSoul is rolling around on the damp earth grasping his crotch, AcidDose has resorted to urinating on his left foot to quell the flames there. Schabuda and Christofori both seem un-affected by the flames, save the huge burn mark now spanning across the back of Christofori's hiking trousers as a result of the sudden temperature increase. Eventually, the flames die down and the wounded lie, stand cursing or hop around in small fits of rage. "My puuuubes!" squeals AcidSoul in a whiney voice "They've been burnt to a crisp!"

"As has my foot." Fumed AcidDose. Kruser felt the top of his head and winced.

"Now people will think I am a monk, and women will no longer throw themselves at me." he wailed. Schabuda was giggling softly at his comrades' misfortune, so Christofori gave him a swift kick in the shins. "Children!" he announced, clapping his hands together in quick succession. "I see that some of you were harmed as a result of that erm.. uh...gas leakage, I propose that we pack up camp, and head for the nearest Town so that you may tend to your wounds." The others agreed that this was indeed a jolly idea, and once again were amazed at Christofori's astounding wisdom.

It took the bedraggled travelers four days to get to the nearest town which was the Kingdom of 'Bris. The Kingdom of 'Bris was a wealthy town of around 4000 people, the King Libris looked after his subjects, and was a good, wise, fair man, even if he did eat Salsa sandwiches. After briefly outlining their plans to the Guardsman at the outskirts of 'Bris the five weary travelers managed to stumble their way about the town until they came to an inn. "The Singin' Pussy" read Christofori slowly. Being American, Christofori had received his education from a blind Texan hog-farmer with Alzheimer's Disease, and as a result had difficulty reading, and even conveying simple sentences without using words like "y'hear" or "y'all". "Hmm, singin' pussy" AcidSoul pondered "I like the name already, I just love caterwauling!"

"I was thinking more along the lines of a melodious vagina." Said AcidDose, his disappointment showing. Kruser, the voice of reason in this particular scenario, banged both the Acid-boy's heads together. "Lets just go in eh? My bald head is catching a cold dammit!" The fivesome went inside the Inn, immediately greeted by the smell of 'Bris's traditional cuisine: Salsa sandwiches. They ate a hearty meal, despite the fact that Christofori and spicy foods really don't mix and sat around in the bar waiting for some entertainment.

'Entertainment' arrived half an hour later in the form of a dejected unshaven Canadian who unenthusiastically waved a little flag proclaiming that he was "BardCat: the Singin' pussy". He got up on the stage of the Inn and moped about a bit, before doing a couple of Elvis numbers, and a very bad J-Lo impersonation that left everyone in the room feeling queasy, except AcidDose who got a hard-on. After an assortment of different types of vegetable matter (and in Dose's case the odd body fluid) had been thrown at BardCat he walked off the stage, looking very depressed. Christofori, seeing the wretched creature's woe, decided to help him out. "Hi there y'all!" he said animatedly, before correcting himself "Why hello there old chap, you look a tad blue." Schabuda was about to point out that BardCat didn't really look all that blue at all, more of a pale skin-colour really, but Christofori saw this coming and gave him a quick thump in the chest. BardCat turned and faced the party addressing him. "Before you say anything else, I'd like to get one thing sorted out." They looked at him, waiting. "I'm not gay!" The group murmered a little, and Christofori felt somewhat sad that he still hadn't found someone who might also collect My Little Pony figurines. "We never said that you were." Kruser piped up. "Oh" said BardCat "We'll leave it at that then eh?"

After a few mugs of ale, BardCat found that he quite liked the odd bunch he had met, he decided to join them in their search for enlightenment, and their pilgrimage to the B-Stone which is said to be the birthplace of BARRY himself. The drinking escalated, and before long they were all playing dubious drinking games, and Schabuda had managed to win the affections of an ancient barmaid. It was Kruser that spoilt it all, streaking across the bar with a tea-cosy on his head chanting a Japanese war song which managed to draw unwanted attention to the group. Within five minutes all six of them were locked up in 'Bris castle's dungeon, to await trial the next day...

* * *

Schabuda was the first to wake. He found himself lying on the cold floor of a jailcell, he looked around and noticed that the others were in there with him. The cold, hard reality of the situation slowly sunk in: he was trapped in a jailcell with a bunch of five under-sexed men. Bad things would happen. Schabuda let out a shriek, got up quickly from the floor and retired to a corner of the room where he rocked back and forth repeatedly, muttering incoherently. The others, roused by Schabuda's yell all got up slowly, all nursing enormous hangovers. "Where are we?" Asked Kruser.

"Jail." Replied BardCat, grinning from ear to ear. Bit by bit, fragments of the previous night came back, AcidSoul gasped; he was definitely not going to tell anyone about the Badger incident. The group began to gloomily discuss their prospects when they were interrupted by the arrival of two guards outside their cell.

"Hello" said one of them, obviously the Captain. He was average height, had light hair and a nametag that was cleverly shaped like a carrot. The nametag read "Warhawk", but some of the letters were backwards. "Um, hello" AcidDose replied. The other guard stepped up to the cell doors, his nametag was in the shape of a camel it read "Flasch" "You have been summoned to see his Majesty King Libris." Guard Flasch said. The prisoners shuffled their feet uneasily. "Err..what exactly did we do?" Christofori ventured. "Silence!" Roared Warhawk, and with that, he opened up the cell, and with sharp spears escorted the six prisoners up the windy stone steps, to the Royal quarters.

King Libris sat on a variety of plush cushions, and was being fed pristine grapes by a scantily clad woman who beared remarkable resemblence to Kari Wührer. The room was certainly regal in appearance, it showed impeccable taste with its massive windows, french doors and a large portrait of BARRY tastefully hung over the fireplace. "Thankyou Royal guards!" Libris said warmly. "Now, what do we have here...hmm, lets see." The King produced a scroll, a rather long scroll actually, it was probably a few meters in length. "These are your offences:" he began "1. Excessive use of the word "oyster", 2. Lewd sexual acts involving freshly squeezed orange juice, 3. The theft of one tea-cosy from the 'Singin' Pussy' Inn, 4. Using BARRY's name in vain, 5. Indecent acts involving an innocent Badger, 6..."

"Wait!" cried Christofori "Please, we were very drunk, we're travellers, how about we just leave town, and forget the whole incident eh?" After King Libris got over the shock of being interrupted he gave it some thought. "I'll make a deal with you" he began "Whoever can offer me something of value, can go unpunished, and by value I don't mean money or women, as you can see I have plenty of both." He laughed in a superior little way. The party in question huddled together for a few moments, before facing the King again. AcidDose was first to speak "I have developed a tracker, that is purely synthesized, that can run a whole heap of channels with little cpu usage, and even though the interface is really crap at the moment, I can make it just like Ft2's and add sample support if your Majesty sees fit." King Libris beamed.

"Will it have a flanger?" He asked excitedly.

"Erm...yeess.. of course it will sir."

"Great!" The King said happily "Well have it finished by the end of March or I'll throw you into a pit with SLH! You are free to go." AcidDose thanked the King graciously and promised all those features and more, before hurrying off. The remaining party shuffled their feet and looked at the ground. It was obvious that they didn't have anything anywhere near as good as that to contribute.

The King waited a few seconds. "So that's it then? None of you have anything else to add? Well I'm sorry but you'll have to be punished."

"AARGH" Came a cry from BardCat "Please! Your majesty! You're not going to chain us up in a dungeon and have hordes of leather clad dominatrix' whip us with leather belts are you?"

"Um, no." Came the stern reply.

"Thank BARRY!" Exclaimed BardCat, relief washing over his features. Christofori shuffled a bit more, and then stood forward. "What exactly do you have in mind then sire? I mean our offences weren't all that bad right?"

"Showing your manhood to an elderly washer-woman in broad daylight, in the middle of the town square whilst yelling 'Give us one for old-time's sake missy!' is a rather serious offence! Especially since she was the royal washerwoman and fainted as a result!" King Libris closed his eyes and tried to calm himself. "My bell-bottoms have not been washed as a result, and when I can't wear my bell-bottoms, I get a little agitated." He added. The king turned to the Royal Vizier Safyre "What do you suggest as a suitable punishment for such atrocious acts?" he asked. Safyre looked at each of the offenders in turn "We should make them listen to a Garth Brooks album." He said. Libris winced.

"I think that's a little too harsh."

"Hey! Why not make us have sex with small furry animals indigenous to Britain? That would be pretty funny wouldn't it, and a terrible punishment." Suggested AcidSoul. BardCat grinned and nodded fervently. The others looked on with mixed expressions of fear and disgust. Schabuda prayed to BARRY that the King wouldn't agree with the idea. "Noo" King Libris said eventually, "That would be rather amusing, but I get the impression that certain members of your party would take too much fun in it. I can't actually think of a punishment at the moment, so instead I'll lock you all up at the top of one of my towers for one week, after this week, you are permitted to leave 'Bris." The offenders were rather relieved to hear this, they were expecting a far worse punishment. "Sir Bil!" Libris called, a few seconds later a knight walked in.

"Yes Sire?"

"Sir Bil, you have a um... tampon stuck to your forehead..."

"Oh! Damnation!" Sir Bil said, quickly swiping the offending object from his face. Libris looked on, an expression of mild intrigue playing across his features.

"Sir Bil, please escort these people up to my tower, you know, the one with the four cells? Good."   Sir Bil snapped to attention, gathering the group together and leading them on. There was no use arguing with Sir Bil, he was huge, and could easily squash any of them flat.

Before long they entered a corridor, two cells lined each wall, there was the foul smell of B.O, sweat and Fairy Floss. Here are your quarters for the next week Sir Bil announced, roughly shoving Schabuda into a cell. In the next one he put Kruser, and the next AcidSoul. There was one cell left. "You two are bunkmates" Sir Bil said pointing to Christofori and BardCat. Christofori gulped. They all sat in silence for a while, depressed and beaten. After a while BardCat broke the silence. "Christofori, you wanna see my Testilantern?" He asked innocently.

"What's a Testilantern?" Came the reply.

"Here" said BardCat, "I'll show you..."

When King Libris heard the screams of fear and anguish from upstairs, he smiled wanly and knew, that he had chosen a very fitting punishment.


Ok, I know I didn't include everybody this time - If I left you out, its nothing personal (In fact consider it a favour :P) If you want to be included/excluded in the next chapter let me know, and I'll work you in/Take you out. :P

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