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stories & literature

christofori's enlightenment

"Part Two: History Repeats"

by Libris

The story so far... It is recommended you refresh your memories with chapter 1 of this tale: Christofori's Enlightenment. If however, you are too lazy, closed-minded or illiterate, then here is a brief summary: Christofori, AcidSoul, Schabuda, BardCat and Kruser are on a pilgrimage to the B-Stone (presumed to be the birthplace of BARRY), however after a night of drunken shenanigans involving an elderly washerwoman and a tea-cosy they end up locked up in the top of a tower in the Kingdom of 'Bris. The King, Libris sentences them to 1 week in the tower, everyone gets their own jail-cell except Christofori and BardCat who had the misfortune of sharing...

Part 2: That sure is expensive for a lawnmower!


Part 2: History Repeats

A week had passed since we left our brave heroes, and on the whole, it had been a fairly uneventful week. The mob passed their time playing games of I Spy even though there really wasn't all that much to 'spy' in their bare cells. "I spy with my little eye, something beginning with B." said AcidSoul.

"Bars" replied Kruser immediately and for the hundredth time.

"Ok, your turn then Kru." Said AcidSoul.

"Hmm...I spy with my little eye, something beginning with F."

"Floor." Said Schabuda, a bored look on his face. Clearly after a week of this, they were growing rather tired of the game.

Christofori was not bored, he didn't have time to be, he was too busy being terrified. The passing week had been the hardest for Christofori, for starters he'd been paired up with Bardcat instead of having a cell to himself like the others. Secondly he hadn't had any sleep for the past few days; the ominous glow of the testilantern kept him awake all night, fighting off the sanctuary of darkness. After the first few hours of being stuck in a small cell with BardCat, Christofori had taken to keeping his eyes closed, and as a result couldn't play I Spy with the others, instead he spent all his time rocking back and forth on his bunk laughing maniacally to himself.

The others figured he'd gone a bit peculiar, and they could often hear him Bwayaya-ing late into the night. But finally the week had passed! Sir Bil arrived jangling a large set of keys. "Hullo" he chirped. "You are now free to leave!" A whoop of joy was let out by the prisoners, and a particularly loud "Bwayayaya!" from Christofori as the knight opened each of the cells. Sir Bil escorted them down the winding stone steps of the tower, eventually leading them into the royal room of King Libris.

"Why hello there chaps!" sang the King in a bright tone "You've served your sentence, so now you're all free to go on your merry way, and do whatever it is that peasants such as yourselves do. Drink copious amounts of ale I expect, and chase milkmaids around fields of buttercups or whatever it is..." The king trailed off, a glazed expression on his face as he remembered his carefree youth. "Um sire." AcidSoul spoke up "You're er...drooling." The King straightened up, coughed softly and wiped his mouth with a silken sleeve. "Um yes, off with you then eh?" he said, motioning to the doorway "Flasch, escort them out can you?" he added, motioning to the guard with the camel nametag. Flasch swaggered over to the group and motioned for them to follow him, he led them through the impressive halls of the castle lined with pictures of long dead ancestors of the King, and of course the numerous portraits of BARRY. At length they came to the entrance of the castle, and Flasch spoke up. "Sirs, would you be kind enough to take me with you on your travels?"

"Why?" asked Kruser "Does the King not treat you well?"

"I am treated very well" replied Flasch "but I don't think that the life for me is as a guard. I've always wanted to move to the country, settle down and breed Camels." They could all see that Flasch was very serious about this passion, so they decided that it would be nice to have extra company, and welcomed him into their group. "Won't the King be annoyed if you just leave like this?" Schabuda piped up.

"Nah" said Flasch "I already talked it over with him, it's all good."

So with that reassurance they set off on their merry way, well, for a hundred meters or so until Christofori decided to lie down in the mud and sing nursery rhymes.

"He was too weak" said BardCat "the Testilantern got to him..." Kruser looked over at Christofori, who was halfway through the second verse of 'Old McDonald' and winced. "He's gone crazy, he spent too much time cooped up in a cell with BardCat, we'll have to get him some help." So it was with great difficulty (and a number of harsh expletives) that AcidSoul and BardCat carried Christofori through the streets of 'Bris looking at all the shingles in search of some kind of medical centre.

Eventually they came to a grubby little shop with the words "drq's Apothecary" painted on the window. "This'll have to do." Said Kruser eyeing the shop doubtfully. They carried Christofori into the dim interior, cockroaches scuttled noisily over the floor as they entered. It took a few seconds for their eyes to adjust to the darkness, but when they did they were greeted only by a fairly bare room and a crazy looking guy in a white labcoat that they could only assume was drq. On a table in the far corner was some kind of sound device that was softly playing cheesy chiptune music, drq scuttled over to it and turned it off before facing the group again. "Helloo there" he said, grinning wildly. He had course white hair and sported a gleaming monocle over his left eye. "What can I dooo for you then m'lads?" he chortled, cracking his knuckles. AcidSoul stood forward bravely "Our friend here is sick, he was exposed to an erm...well a testilantern, and as a result he seems to have lost his mind."
"Ahh yes" said drq "I kind of figured he was a bit odd when he started to eat my curtains..." he motioned to Christofori, who was sitting happily on the floor, the edge of a pink curtain hanging out of the side of his mouth. "There are two ways to cure him" continued the good doctor "We could kill him" he said, pausing for emphasis, "or I could just mix him up a batch of Yak piss, and he'll be right as rain in no time." The group huddled together for a moment, discussing what to do. They all agreed that the doctor himself was a little insane, but probably fairly harmless, they also agreed that it would be pretty funny to see Christofori drink a cup of Yak urine, so the decision process wasn't a lengthy one. "Mix up some of that Yak juice." Schabuda told the Doctor "We need him to be well, so that we can continue our journey."

"Righto!" said drq "be back in a few minutes." And with that he slipped through the back door of the shop. Over the next few minutes a number of strange noises were heard by the group, followed by loud cursing. At length drq returned looking a little bedraggled, but holding a beaker of liquid. "That'll be 56 gold pieces." he said, holding the beaker out to AcidSoul who looked more than a little green. "I'm afraid we have no money." Said Kruser. "We could always pay you in sexual favours." BardCat piped up.

"Nooo, that will just not doo!" screeched drq. "What do you have then?"

They all emptied their pockets. "Half a tube of toothpaste, the Feb 1985 edition of Woman's Weekly, some dubious 'water balloons' and a small portion of caviar." Flasch noted. Drq thought about this for a few moments "Well, ok I'm feeling kind today. Hand over that caviar." The exchange was made, and Christofori was given his medicine, as promised he was back to his usual self in no time, thankfully with no memory whatsoever of the past week. Kruser was impressed. "Hey, do you have any hair growth formulas?" he asked, feeling the top of his burnt scalp.

"Sure! Sure!" cried drq enthusiastically "Just take this pill" he said, producing a blue tablet. Kruser popped it into his mouth, and waited. At first nothing happened, but then hair started to grow rapidly from his scalp! It continued to do so for about five minutes, until finally stopping. Kruser raced over to the shop window and looked at his reflection, a perfectly manicured 3 foot high afro with matching sideburns stared back at him. Kruser let out a whoop of joy, danced around the room a couple of times, before thanking drq. Before long, the party was on its way again, it felt good to be back on the road!

It was not long after they had bid fair-well to the Kingdom of 'Bris that the party was back on the scenic forest trails and mountain paths of the countryside. Everything was going very well, until Flasch got knocked over. In fact, he got slammed into by SLAM who was coming the opposite way. "Ow!" yelled Flasch, rubbing his face and realizing that he was missing a tooth. Schabuda giggled, resulting in a quick slap around the back of the head from Christofori. SLAM looked rather startled "Um, I'm terribly sorry!" he stammered offering his hand to Flasch in a gesture of peace. Flasch looked at him menacingly and then spat out another tooth. "You owe me a strawberry flavoured ice-cream with an artificial cherry on top for that!" he growled.

Christofori stepped in. "What is your name traveler? And where are you headed?" he asked. So SLAM told them his story, about how he had been exiled from his hometown of Salmon after he was found guilty of an incident involving a large can of whipped cream and a newlywed bride. "The problem was," SLAM explained, "the bride wasn't erm...mine, so the bloke who married her was pretty miffed, and since he was also the mayor of the town, he exiled me."

Kruser whistled. "You've got some balls kid..." he said. The others agreed that SLAM certainly did have balls, sleeping with the mayor of Salmon's newlywed wife. "Why don't you join our merry little crew then?" asked Schabuda, figuring SLAM probably didn't have anything better to do. "Um, where are you headed?" SLAM enquired. Christofori stood forward and cleared his throat. "We are brave adventurers on a pilgrimage to the B-Stone - believed to be the birthplace of BARRY himself." He said proudly.

Now it was SLAM's turn to whistle. "The B-Stone? Legend says that he who can climb the B-Stone will have magical powers bestowed upon them!" he said. Christofori nodded. "That's our aim, to conquer the B-Stone and become GODs." SLAM sat down and had a good think. He quite liked these people (although the one they called BardCat had been giving him some strange looks). If he kept travelling on his own he'd no doubt end up washing dishes somewhere in the Kingdom of 'Bris, but on the other hand, if he joined the party he would owe Flasch an ice cream with an artificial cherry. Eventually he decided to join up with the crew in pursuit of the B-Stone.

They traveled night and day, stopping only occasionally for breaks. Well, that was until AcidSoul ate some berries and got diarrhea, slowing them down considerably. After a few days of travel basically living off the forest, the adventurers were out of the Kingdom of 'Bris and had entered the province of Fendar which was ruled by the Crimson King. Slowly, the lush surroundings of the forest faded away and the group found itself in a much more tropical environment - full of sprawling sandy beaches, tall palm trees and a dazzling blue ocean. In fact the only thing missing was hordes and hordes of bikini clad women. The group's spirit soared! Christofori and SLAM suddenly got the urge to do cartwheels in the sand. Schabuda and AcidSoul suddenly wanted to build sandcastles. Kruser and Flasch hankered for a game of beach volleyball. And Bardcat, well, he felt like dressing in a grass skirt and doing hula dancing, but of course he didn't tell the others that...

With renewed vigor, they traversed the sandy lands, taking in the wondrous sites until they came to the beachside town of Pou¨t. The problem of accommodation arose, and Kruser noting what had happened last time suggested not to stay in an Inn. Whilst this was a good idea, they ended up staying in an Inn anyway, simply because it was the town's only form of accommodation. Before the hour was up they were all once again blind drunk. SLAM was dancing on one of the tables while a one-eyed fellow clapped his hands and threw grimy copper pieces at him. Schabuda was french-kissing the cook, who was about five times his age, and had breasts the size and texture of melting bowling balls. AcidSoul was making out with a beer stein. BardCat was scaring an old Lady by shining his testilantern in her eyes. Christofori, Flasch and Kruser were sitting around, egging SLAM on and making bets on when he'd fall off the table. A good time was being had by all until a dwarf walked into the bar.

SLAM, from his elevated position on the tabletop spotted the dwarf first and in his drunken state decided it'd be fun to yell at him "Hey, there's a really hairy kid in here!" he yelled with a big grin. The whole bar went silent. Suddenly no one was making eye contact with anyone else, they all just stared into their ale. Everyone except the travellers of course, who didn't know what was going on and still found the dwarf to be a very amusing fellow. SLAM hopped off the table, did a little bow. The dwarf approached him slowly. "Y'know" he said, I'm at just the right height to bite off yer bollocks." SLAM gulped as the reality of the situation washed over him, here he was standing in front of an angry dwarf who's teeth were easily only 4 inches away from his genitals. Kruser stepped in "Um look, our friend here is just a little tipsy, he um, says that to everyone, how about we buy you a round of drinks and just forget the whole matter?" The dwarf spat on the ground and rubbed his grubby beard thoughtfully. "Aight" He said after a time, "but only on the condition that I can use twinkle toes 'ere as a table." He said, gesturing to the still-shaking SLAM. Ten minutes later they were all sitting around SLAM (who was now weighed down with various mugs of ale, some peanuts and a mysterious dirty handkerchief) chatting about things that adventurers chat about. It turns out the Dwarf's name was Minomus and he was just wandering the lands aimlessly trying to fight off the grief of losing his magical parrot.

They chatted on long into the night, and would have continued to do so if it hadn't been for the fact that SLAM eventually collapsed from exhaustion. Christofori and AcidSoul lugged him upstairs to the room they'd hired, bid Minomus goodnight and they all went to bed.

The next morning the crew awoke to find Bardcat missing. They searched high and low, but there was no sign of him. They all trooped downstairs and Flasch asked the bartender if he had seen Bardcat leave. The bartender said that he'd seen Bardcat depart rather sneakily, clad only in a pink tutu and a showercap earlier this morning. "He mumbled something about cabbages, and then said to tell ye fellas not to wait up for him, but that he'd find you." Said the bartender, wiping his mouth on a grubby sleeve. "We're in no rush anyway," Schabuda said "how about a day at the beach?" Christofori gave his beard a rub and thought about it. On the one hand he quite wanted to continue travelling, but on the other, a day at the beach was appealing. "Hmm sounds good to me." He said, "Any objections?" No one spoke up, but Flasch reminded SLAM that now would be a good time to buy him that ice-cream, the day was already hot, and getting hotter.

They made their way through the streets of Pou¨t, stopping briefly at an ice cream stand, where SLAM grudgingly forked out money for a strawberry flavoured ice-cream with an artificial cherry. As they approached the beach, about 15 young lustrous, big-breasted beach babes came swarming toward them. Schabuda said a quiet prayer of thanks to BARRY. "Oh maaan whistled Acidsoul, this is our lucky day!" The group watched gobsmacked as the beauties approached them. Flasch's tongue was hanging out, Kruser was blinking very rapidly, Christofori's heart was hammering in his chest, and SLAM; well, he was thinking about whipped cream... Minomus hadn't even noticed the beauties yet, he was too short, and Christofori was blocking his view. AcidSoul cleared his throat and addressed them "Ladies, wow, what a pleasure it is to meet you! I'm AcidSoul, and I need to wear three legged trousers." He said, adding a wink at the end. They ignored him, and instead all crowded around Kruser. "Oh maan!" Said Christofori "It's the hair! They like the hair!" he said pointing to Kruser's 3 foot afro. Kruser just looked back and grinned, already an arm around the waist of a shapely brunette and an impressive blonde. "I'll catch up with you guys later eh?" he said, his grin impossibly wide as he was dragged away in a giggling bundle of delight. Schabuda kicked the sand - "No fair!" he yelled. "He may have all those beautiful women." SLAM said, "but at least we have each other." Flasch glared at him. No one else spoke. At length, Minomus sat down in the sand, and wept.

They were all gloomy for a while, and just sat around on the beach thinking about what they were missing out on, but eventually the blast of a trumpet roused them from their depression. Christofori looked behind him and groaned. Striding toward the beach was none other than King Libris, followed by his harem and entourage. He saw the group, and his eyes gleamed. "Hoi!" he yelled waving frantically, "if it isn't my little jailbirds! How do you fare travelers?" The king seemed to be in good spirits, he set up a number of deckchairs and sat down on one, and placed an inflatable woman on another. "Um, what brings you here your Majesty?" Flasch asked. The King beamed happily, took out a spicy sandwich and chomped into it. "I needed a holiday y'see, the Kingdom is all well and good, but it gets a bit claustrophobic at times."

"Who did you leave in charge?" asked Flasch.

"Oh, Sir Bil's in charge of course, wouldn't trust anyone else."

SLAM was suddenly on his knees "Oh your Majesty! Are you really King Libris?, King of 'Bris?" he babbled excitedly. A side of the King's mouth lifted into a royal smirk.

"I am indeed." He replied, "And who might you be? I don't remember you being amongst this band of travelers when I last encountered them." SLAM filled the king in on his adventures, about how he had been exiled by the mayor of Salmon, conveniently leaving out the parts with the whipped cream. The King listened intently. "Y'know" he said to SLAM "that bastard mayor of Salmon has been trying to dethrone me for 5 years, anyone who double-crosses him, is a friend of mine. SLAM felt very proud, and even prouder when the King invited him to be his personal servant. "What an honour this is!" he kept saying. The others just looked on, disinterested. "So I take it you won't be travelling with us anymore?" asked Minomus.

"Not for the time being," said SLAM "You see, I was heading to the Kingdom of 'Bris before I um, bumped into you fellows, and since I've now been offered such a position of high stature, it's too good an opportunity to pass up."

The remainder of the day was enjoyable, except for a rather alarming incident involving Minomus and a large crab. The others just gave him an ice-pack and told him to shut up.

As evening approached the temperature dropped, and the King decided it was time to find himself some accommodation. "Righto chaps, where's the nearest 5 star hotel then?" he asked the group. "Um, there isn't one." Said Kruser bluntly.


"Yeah, there's only an Inn." Added Minomus.

King Libris was furious. "What am I supposed to do?! I'm the King of 'Bris, I can't just stay in a commoner's Inn!" He squealed.

"It's really not that bad Sire." SLAM said. "I mean, most of the time we just get blind drunk at the bar, and then we don't really care how bad the Inn is, we'd sleep anywhere."

The king looked at SLAM thoughtfully. "Well y'know I guess it could be a bit of fun, have a few ales win the affections of a few wenches and whatnot...hmmm give me the shirt off your back."


"You heard me man! I want to look like a commoner, I don't want to be robbed in the place!" Snapped the King.

"But, but...Sire, what will I wear?" Asked SLAM meekly.

The King threw up his hands in exasperation "Hmm, hang on..." he said, while he riffled through one of his many suitcases. "Here, wear this."

SLAM looked at the orange Leisure suite that the King was holding out and gulped. "Erm, yes sire, of course." He said. The exchange was made, and before long King Libris looked like a commoner and SLAM looked like a bad Elvis impersonator. "Lets get going!" said Schabuda "It's getting chilly." They headed back into the town, and up to the Inn, the King left his entourage in a set of stables, he told them that he'd be back to travel with them tomorrow. They would have complained, but who dares to complain about an order from the King? They all went into the Inn, SLAM got a few weird looks because he was carrying the King's Inflatable doll. As planned, they hit the bar.

Warning bells were going off in Christofori's mind as he sipped his first ale. He knew what the group were like, they'd no doubt drink themselves into trouble, it always happened. He decided he needed another ale to take his mind of these thoughts. After the tenth, they no longer bothered him, in fact he found himself singing on top of the bar, a large pair of ladies panties wrapped around the top of his head like a bandanna. He looked over at the others, they were strewn around the rest of the bar, some were crawling, some seemingly unconscious. King Libris appeared to be looking at SLAM with raw lust in his eyes, but then Christofori reasoned that the king was actually focussing on the inflatable doll that SLAM was holding. "What a mess!" he said aloud, and then giggled as a grl came up to him and gave him a flirty little pout. Kruser arrived about half an hour later, he staggered in through the door of the Inn, he looked as white as a sheet and could barely stand. He saw the grl, screamed and then fainted.

Things probably would have turned out okay, had it not been for Schabuda. Being the youngest, Schabuda just wasn't used to constant ale drinking, and it got to him. He went too far. His idea to turn the bar into a catwalk for exhibitionists was what landed the crew in the slammer, again. At first people just jeered and laughed, but when Minomus got up there to strut his stuff someone must have called the city guards. Before long all 10 of them, including King Libris and Inflatable Ina found themselves in the cold cell of the town's lock-up. "This is getting rather formulaic isn't it?" Said AcidSoul as soon as he could speak without slurring his speech. "Why do we always end up in a jail cell at the end of the story?"

"Shut up!" Said Christofori "There have only been two, I'd hardly call that a pattern, there's plenty of room for change."

"I sure hope so." Said Schabuda "I feel uneasy in a jailcell with all you blokes." Christofori slapped the back of Schabuda's head. "It won't come to that, Dingus-breath" he said "This time we've got Inflatable Ina for company, if things get rough."

King Libris' eyes widened in horror. "If you so much as lay a finger on her..." he began before being rudely interrupted by Flasch. "Uh oh! The guards are here!" Flasch exclaimed. The others peered out of the cell, and looked at the approaching guards. Suddenly King Libris started screeching. "Oi! You can't do this to me! I'm King Libris! King of 'Bris! Let me out at once! I'll have your bollocks for this - mark my words!" The largest of the guards, a giant fellow with the words "mIstAh PiNky" tattooed across his forehead in a childlike scrawl merely glanced at him and said. "You ain't no king, we is ruled by va Crimson King. He iz our king, an' you is nuffin." King Libris was taken aback, never in his whole life had he been talked to in such a manner, he started crying.

"The Crimson King will see you first thing tomorrow morning." The other guard, Retrou informed them before leaving.

"Just great" sobbed King Libris, "I'm stuck in here with a bunch of commoners!"

"Shut up Libris!" Growled Minomus. The king's jaw dropped.

" call me? It's KING Libris by BARRY! KING! KING!" He yelled, jumping up and down. "Not here it isn't" Said Acidsoul "here you're just plain old Libris, and no better than any one of us." It was going to be a long night...

To be Continued!
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