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stories & literature

the old testilantern

by Libris

IíThe Old Testament

The Old Testilantern

As told by the wise sage, Libris McFiggins.

The Creation

In the beginning Stary` created cyberspace and The Modarchive. The Modarchive was without form and empty. Darkness was everywhere and in the darkness the spirit of Stary` moved upon the face of the deep. Stary said: "Let there be MODs!" and there were MODs.

Stary` worked for six days and six nights on The Modarchive, resting only briefly for the odd cappuccino. By the seventh day his creation was going rather well, with a multitude of artists, some lazy admins and a sleek design showcasing his 1337 html prowess. On the seventh day Stary`, satisfied with his work, decided to take a much needed rest.

He woke up on the eight day nursing a severe hangover, unfortunately he couldn't remember much of the previous night other than it involved oysters. Stary` didn't let this phase him. He never did. He booted up the Universe and peeked in on his creation. It was amusing for a while, watching the ebb and flow of the artists, the newbies asking how to turn an MP3 into an XM and the occasional lawsuit threat, but Stary` soon tired of it all. So Stary` created man in his own image. And so, from a lot of little one's and zero's, AcidSoul was formed.

The Eden Directory

Stary` created a directory, he called it "Eden" after an old girlfriend of his. In this directory he put the man he had created. In this directory Stary` put MODs of every kind, both those that are good for the ears, and good for the mind. In the middle of the directory, Stary` placed the MOD of knowledge of good and evil.

"Of every MOD in the directory you may listen freely, except for the MOD of knowledge of good and evil. Of this, do not listen, for the day that you do, you shall surely die." Stary` said to the man.

AcidSoul got up off the dusty directory floor and looked around groggily. "I could really murder a good curry right about now." He said.

"I haven't invented curry yet." Stary` snapped.

"What's there to eat at this joint then?"

"Baked beans." Came the reply.

"You've invented baked beans, but not curry? What Kind of GOD are you?"

Stary` didn't answer, so AcidSoul lapsed into a depressed silence.

Stary` watched his new creation fondly for a while. AcidSoul spent his time poking around the various MODs in the directory and had eventually developed a penchant for House music. It was nice for a while, and Stary` enjoyed watching AcidSoul lap up the funky beats, but eventually it got tedious. The last straw was when AcidSoul started blaring it out early in the mornings when Stary` was trying to sleep in. He decided that AcidSoul must be bored, so he set about making him a companion...

"Um, just hold still ok? This won't hurt a bit." Stary` said. AcidSoul suddenly realised that he couldn't move. As quick as a flasch Stary` removed a couple of AcidSoul's ribs. "Sweet Jesus!" Yelled AcidSoul, as soon as he could yell.

"I haven't invented him yet." Stary` remarked, clearly irritated "Say that in a few millennia though and I'll have you for blasphemy!"

Eventually AcidSoul got up and walked around, it actually felt a bit better to have a couple of ribs gone, he was more flexible. "Say..Stary`" he said "Take a couple more out and I'd be able to suck my ow..."

"Shut up!" Stary` snapped "I'm busy making you a grl."

"What's a grl?" Asked AcidSoul, now curious.

"You'll see later." Replied Stary`, "And believe me when you see this grl, you won't be worried about your flexibility any more."

Trouble in Eden

When the grl was ready Stary` called Acidsoul over. He just stood there and gaped for a while. "She sure is something eh?" remarked Stary`, clearly pleased with his handywork. Acidsoul gulped, and nodded fervently. "Err... you mind if you give us a bit of time alone old chap?" he said, eyes gleaming mischieviously. Stary` winked, tapped his nose and whispered something about sheep's gut and pink ribbon in AcidSoul's ear before departing.

"Hello" said the grl, "I'm er...grl."

"I'm AcidSoul. These trousers are custom-made to accommodate my huge..."

"What is this place?" Asked grl, cutting him off.

"It's the Eden directory."

"Why am I here?"

"To accommodate my every sexual whim of course!"

The grl sniffed, and pouted.

AcidSoul put on a sharky grin. "Shall we get down to business? You look like you need a good rogering, and I know I sure as hell do! You know, every time I go near one of those antelopes they run away from me now." AcidSoul frowned, "Do it for the antelopes."

"Not right now, I have a headache."

AcidSoul knew he was defeated, the headache was a final answer, and it was a rejection method he'd be getting very used to in time to come. "Ok then, might as well show you around the place." He said.

He showed the grl around the various MODs pointing out the anomalies such as the minute IDM section, showed her how to avoid the endless influx of n00b trance and made special mention of the MOD of knowledge of good and evil. "bigbig.xm" (check it :D) grl read. "Why is it called that?"

"You'd have to listen to it to find out, and Stary` has made it very clear that we are not to listen to it. Bad things would happen." AcidSoul said.

They continued their tour, and for a while The MOD of knowledge of good and evil was happily forgotten. The grl found that she enjoyed the Drum 'n' Bass section, and began spending long hours there. AcidSoul would sometimes join her, but he much preferred the House section so the two spent a lot of time apart. On one such occasion grl was approached by a serpent.

"Hello beautiful", said the Serpent. "Who are you?" asked grl, scrunching her nose. "I am here to take you away!" said the Serpent loudly. "But..but.." stuttered grl, as the Serpent reached for her arm and pulled her close to his hairy body. "You will be mine, forever!". "But I donít even know your name!! What is your name??" asked grl shyly. "My name is Libris, I come from the land of goats". Grl stared at Libris blankly, and decided to avoid asking about the land of goats. The Serpent dragged grl to his Modmobile and pulled her up, to sit snuggly behind him.

They soon arrived at a very strange and unknown castle that grl had never seen before. The Serpent, Libris, parked the modmobile in the modlot, and took his cool looking helmet off. They retreated to the back door, where grl could hear a lot of commotion coming from a window that was covered in toilet paper. She wondered what could be going on here!

As they approached the back door, grl peeked into the window, and to her surprise, seen a whole bunch of people standing around with glasses of red juice. Once they were in the door, she was able to get a better look at the people, and noticed they were all of her friends from The Modarchive!! She was curious to know why all of her friends were at this castle, that she had no idea about. "What are all my friends doing here?" She gasped, astonished. Libris put on a suave expresssion and leant on a pole. "Tonight's your night babe." Libris opened a set of double doors and they went inside the castle, greeted by happy chatter from the inhabitants. Grl looked around the room, it was large and full of delicious foods, drinks and had a huge stage in the middle, she looked up and was surprised to see AcidSoul on the stage, grinning insanely.

Microphones weren't invented yet, so AcidSoul used a rolled up skin mag to address the crowd. "Ladies and gentlemen" He began, "The grl has arrived!" There was a cheer amongst the crowd. "We are here tonight" he said, addressing the crowd, but looking at grl "to celebrate the invention of a fine new product, it's called 'panadol' and you know what it does to headaches? It gets rid of them! AcidSoul laughed manically "Never again will a woman be able to say 'I've got a headache', we'll just say 'take a panadol!' the crowd cheered. The grl looked suitably miffed. "You're all here to celebrate that AcidSoul can now get his rocks off because I won't have headaches anymore?" She screamed. "Thanks for nothing." And with that she stormed out, leaving a room full of dumb-struck people holding glasses of red juice.

The serpent Libris slithered after her.


Grl felt hurt and decieved, she ran back to the Eden Directory, tears blurring her eyes. Libris slithered after her at a safe distance. She sat down, right next to bigbig.xm, but didn't even notice. Libris approached her. "You know" he began "The Mod of Knowledge of Good and Evil can help you out. I listened to it, and look at me, I'm still ok." The grl looked up at Libris. "Do it" he said "It will make all your dreams come true."

"That sounds like a line from a Mills & Boon book."

"Gah, ok then just do it!"

With shaking hands grl booted up Xmplay, and loaded bigbig.xm."


When the writhing had stopped grl looked around, and saw the world differently. The air was fresher, the water cleaner, and Libris suddenly looked far more attractive. "Lets move to the Bahamas and have 13 children that we will bring up as slaves to our every need" she said, panting softly. Libris nodded, and realised that he'd suddenly aquired a head of long blonde hair, and rippling pectorals. "Wow, the God of Mills & Boon is watching over us." He said.

"There's a sunset!" grl cried "Quickly, we need to walk off into it hand in hand!" And so they did, living happily ever after, because we all know it was really Libris who invented Panadol, and saved the human race.

<AcidSoul[LR]> Hang on a moment! That's not very fair! Why do you get the grl? I was there first, and I never even got to nob her!

<Libris> Oh that's right, erm well lets see, you had the antelopes remember.

<AcidSoul[LR]> Oh yeah, that's right...I forgot about them, Mmm, antelopes....Mmmm yeah.....give it to me.....mmmm...


As for the creator, Stary` he continued to work on his creation. And thousands of years later he scored with a woman, and had a son. His name, Christ. Christofori?

The End!!!111111

Written By Libris, a couple of paragraphs by grl, based on a concept by AcidSoul

Greetings to the few people that were leet enough to enter MASC, hope to see more entries next time!

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