fantasy planet #ma!

by Matthew "SLAM" Duncan

 For Christofori's MASC. Regardz and respectz to Christofori, my fellow competitors, and my loyal readers :-). Thanx!
-SLAM

SLAM sat once again at a campfire with a small gathering of children. They knew it was Story Time once again, and rumor had it that this time, SLAM would be inflicting some major changes upon the people from

SPACESTATION #MA!
*eerie echo*.

Questions about what would happen this time lingered in the mind of every child present, and finally, the campfire dimmed a bit. All eyes went to SLAM, as he opened his mouth and began his story...

********

One day, on board the glorious

SPACE STATION #MA!
*eerie echo*

things were going as they always did. People were landing on the platforms. Most landed on the Windows platform, some on the Linux platform, but none on the OS/2 platform. This was normal: BardCat had been gone for some time, presumed (and in some cases, hoped) dead. For this reason, the folks at #MA had begun a vote to shut down the OS/2 platform once and for all...in the event that any of BardCat's kind ever land there from the planet Quebec again. It was too late, however, because a new ship landed there, this one shaped like a baseball bat. Everyone decided to give the newcomer a chance, being as this ship didn't have a...er...back door like BardCat's old ship did.

And so, we have this peeeeeaaacefullll, easy feeeelin'...

Wait...Was that singing I just heard? Why, yes, I beleive it was! And what's more, it was singing from years gone by. What could have possibly accomplished this? Unless, of course, by some slim chance, it was...

"YES! YES! IT WORKS! HAHAHAHAHA!" AcidDose screamed wildly from his room on the station, "They made fun of me, they trashed my work, they thought I'd never make it, but finally, all my patience has paid off!"

AcidDose grabbed his creation and thrust it skyward dramatically.

"AcidTkr, I give birth to thee!" AcidDose whispered. He then stood there for three hours making a few sounds akin to a lamaa going into labor pains. Finally, he regained his composure, and packed up his finished work, code and all, and headed for the dinner hall to show all his friends.

"Cause I'm allllllready standin'...bum bum bum...on the grounnnnnnd..." sang AcidTkr as it was carried out the door.

The dinner hall happened to be packed tonight, with regulars hailing from all over cyberspace. TrenteTrois and NeZBiE were sitting at one table, pointing rapidly to various spots on a 5000x5000 size map of france, and babbling excitedly in French. Gammis sat at the bar drinking a Raspberry and ketchup cocktail, next to RedHeat, who was downing yet another of his trademark goblets of red wine. At the bar serving the two were SLAM and Christofori, faithful stewards of the Kit Kat Bar. Schabuda, Stary, and Warhawk sat quietly in a corner, eyeing the fun warily. James-Bond, inferno_45, and grl sat at a table playing Smoker with planet Quebec's newcomer, CardBat. CardBat, it seems, was something of a cardshark. Only he wasn't a cardshark, he was a CardBat, and that is something you want to deal with in a card game even less, as our friends were just finding out.

CardBat was just laying down his cards, revealing a Royal Swirlie.

"Daaaaaaam..." grl said slowly, throwing down her hand, "How can you beat an On-The-House?"

"Blast!" yelled inferno_45, throwing down his cards, and uttering a senseless sexual reference, "Probably the same way he beat a Baby Gay."

James-Bond placed his cards on the table, and said quietly, "Two Pears."

"I think you cheat at Smoker," inferno_45 suggested sharply at CardBat.

CardBat's eyes went wide. The entire room stood still and looked in inferno_45's direction.

"What?" inferno_45 questioned, looking around, "Just sayin'..."

After a few more awkward minutes, everyone went back to what they were doing. CardBat raked in a good pile of modchips (The currency used on Spacestaiton #MA, in the event that you don't use csh) and then cheerily departed, bidding his prey goodbye, and buying them a few expensive drinks to rub it in.

He was just reaching out for the handle on the exit door, when the door suddenly swung in HIS direction. CardBat went flying back in the card table as AcidDose burst into the dinner hall.

"It's DONE!" screamed AcidDose, holding AcidTkr high.

The room stood still again.

JamesBond, lounging back in his chair, gave five non-committal claps. Everyone else realized what AcidDose had done, and greeted him with thunderous cheers.

Grinning widely, AcidDose put AcidTkr on the ground so it could go and make some friends. Grl and MystiC-DarKnesS managed to corner it at a side of the room, and began pinching AcidTkr's pattern displays while smiling and remarking how cute it was. AcidTkr, becoming tired of this, pummeled their ears with a shining blast of techno, and managed to slip away. Not much longer, and AcidTkr had met ModStats, who was cycling through some logs, and making new stats for everyone. The two became great friends.

Everyone seemed more interested in talking to AcidDose, and congratulating him on his accomplishment after all these...well, whatever unit of time can describe how long he spent. Anyway, so hearty was their alcoholic hospitality, that AcidDose was on the floor within the hour. AcidTkr and ModStats, after having enjoyed an Extended Pizza, quietly left the dinner hall. CardBat finally woke up, rubbing his head and complaining about his vision being double. Finally, after stumbling around, he managed to get out of the dinner hall and to his room. It was about one in the morning, and all was quiet on...

SPACESTATION #MA!
*eerie echo.

Everyone was asleep. Including the Ops. They didn't see it coming. They were clueless as it attached itself to the lower hull of the station. They were unaware as it left a small package stuck to the outside, and flew away.

Part II

AcidDose awoke slowly. He had apparently wrapped himself up in the 5000x5000 map of France to keep warm during the night, and was now having trouble getting free. As soon as he did so, his first thought was that he wanted a goat. The second thought was...

"AcidTkr!" AcidDose yelled, realizing that his boxy little creation was nowhere to be seen. Panicking, he ran all over the station, trying to find AcidTkr. Everyone woke up, one at a time, at the sound of his yelling, and of the sonic booms created by his speed as he careened through the station. Finally AcidDose checked in The Last Room On The Station. Swinging open the door, he witnessed...

"ACIDTKR!" AcidDose yelled, staring in in shock, "I never taught it to do THAT..."

AcidTkr looked very content, playing a 70's porn tune while humping ModStats, who was spitting out random numbers in pleasure. Upon seeing AcidDose walk in, AcidTkr tried to dive under a nearby blanket and hide, but AcidDose grabbed him by the File Menu, and hauled him out of the room, giving him a lecture about how it was wrong to take advantage of unintelligent bots.

Grl and MystiC-DarKnesS, who had also been trying to find AcidTkr, happened to be looking in after AcidDose as he recovered his wayward creation.

"ModStats is a girl?" Grl asked

MystiC-DarKnesS shook her head slowly. "I had my doubts until now."

Things slowly began getting sorted out again. The folks on the station got back to their lives, as AcidDose sat in his room and gave AcidTkr a revised edition of The Talk (TM). Just then, the ops announced over the intercom that AcidSoul had joined SpaceStation #MA! *eerie echo.

AcidSoul entered "Ops," which is something most people are not allowed to do.

"Hey, I just came to warn you guys," AcidSoul began hurriedly, "I think some of those #midi snatchers might be coming to sabotage the station!"

Just then a sudden explosion from the lower hull reverberated through the station. Typhoon.ma.us.dal.net fell, hitting ModStats.

AcidSoul looked sheepish. "I...uh...also came to tell you that they might have faster engines now, and might make it here before me."

The ops proceeded to beat the crap out of AcidSoul for his lateness, and tossed him out of "Ops." They then switched their monitors to engineering to check the situation. In seconds they were talking to a frazzled, Scottish-accented Grl.

"The 'ole bloody Samplegrid's offline! Blahsted typhoon.ma.us.dal.net beam tore it all to 'ell! Gave the Etherdrive a bit of a walk through the park too! If I can't get ports 6660 through 6669 stabilized, we're going to create an uncontrollable Etherspace vortex and get pulled to lard knows where!"

The Ops were about to ask Grl if, by "lard," she really meant "lord,"or if she was referring to an unusually intelligent pile of fat. They didn't have time. They suddenly witnessed the most awesome etherspace vortex ever created. For no reason, they saw the letters "TBL" pop up and flash around briefly, before the vortex became too bright to look at. Finally, the brightness ceased, and they were delivered, not to space, but to the turbulent atmosphere of a planet. The first thing that SpaceStation #MA did was plummet, having not been designed for use around a planet. It fell, faster and faster, carrying many terrified passengers with it. At last, it crashed in a desert, kicking up torrents of sand.

Somewhere, high above the planet in a strange ship, a #midi snatcher laughed evilly.

And, back down on the planet, a band of roving 0rcs approached the crashed station. The 0rcs were not the same as orcs, for orcs are primitive, unintelligent fighters. The 0rcs, however, are far 13373r, and thus were justified in replacing the "o" in their name with a zero. The all carried around some form of PDA or pocket PCs, and frequently got into arguments over their incompatibilities (It is said that entire wars were started over this). At the moment, they were more concerned about what new technologies they might be able to find on this new crashlander.

And so it was that AcidDose, TrenteTrois, NeZBiE, grl, inferno_45, Gammis, RedHeat, James-Bond, CardBat, SLAM, Christofori, MystiC-DarKnesS, AcidSoul, Schabuda, Stary, and Warhawk all congregated in the dinner hall, looking outside through the smashed window, breathing the arid atmosphere. AcidTkr and ModStats stood around as well, AcidTkr recording some new samples from the desert, while ModStats made some new stats based on the damage. TrenteTrois and NeZBiE turned to the map of France, hoping to find some clue as to where they were. grl, having abandoned engineering, pulled out a pair of massive knitting needles and started jabbing various damaged parts of the station to watch the sparks fly. inferno_45 stared out the broken window, and uttered a senseless sexual reference exactly every forty-five seconds. Gammis and RedHeat kept drinking, preferring not to face such a grim reality. James-Bond stood as quietly as ever. CardBat stared at the ceiling, still trying to recover his vision, and not see everything double. SLAM and Christofori wiped debris off the Kit Kat Bar. MystiC-DarKnesS produced a package of pencils, and began breaking them one by one. AcidSoul sat in a corner, every now and then sticking his tongue out at Schabuda, Stary, and Warhawk, who were playing a game of Go Fish with the few cards they had managed to recover.

Just then, inferno_45 pointed out to the desert, astonished. "Look!" he yelled in warning, "invaders!"

Gammis and RedHeat turned in horror, and saw the angry looking crowd approching the station. In desperation, they returned to the bar, and began drowning themselves in everything they could find, determined not to let the 0rcs have any of their precious drinks.

The 0rcs drew nearer and nearer. Christofori crapped his pants as the 0rcs started chanting a war song. Suddenly, there was a roar from the sky, and what came down  but...

The S.S. Notre Dame, the massive ship belonging to Gargoyle! As it plunged down from the sky, the band of 0rcs tried to run, but were unsuccessful. The S.S. Notre Dame smashed on top of them, destroying the 0rcs completely. A hatch popped off the side, and Gargoyle climbed out, followed by firstmatebris (Yes, transferbris decided he wanted to work on the S.S. Notre Dame), DragonblooD, and Brainwash.

"Sorry we're late," Gargoyle yelled up to the dinner hall sarcastically, "Next time, tell us before you leave a vortex to a desert planet!"

Warhawk munched on a carrot and said, "Whatever. Stupid #midi snatchers got us, that's my educated guess.."

AcidSoul stood up, and rolled up his sleeves, "Why you...I told you that, remember?"

Warhawk waved AcidSoul away lazily.

grl quickly knitted a rope, and draped it out the window to allow the four newcomers to ascend.

"What should we do now?" Christofori wondered.

"Well, our food supplies seem to be running low," Schabuda said, peering into the cabinets, and looking suspiciously at Warhawk, "so I suggest we go out and find some food."

"Ah, excellent idea, my man," condescendingbris said, "Gather some more people, and depart at once, we must have some food back here by sunset."

"Oi," Stary began, "who put you in charge?"

To wisebris, the question was an easy one. "Why, I did, my good man!" he replied, "This is a new planet, and, as I see it, an excellent place to establish the kingdom I've so long wanted. So, snap to, snap to, we must gather some food and eat before this can be a rich kingdom!"

"Oi," Stary said again, "don't make me kick you, cause I'll do it."

Defiantbris stuck his tongue out at Stary, and said, "Fine, I'll go somewhere else and set up my kingdom! Who's coming with me?"

SLAM and Christofori waved vigorously from behind the bar.

"Ah, excellent, excellent," supportedbris said, "Now, as my first command, SLAM, go to my quarters and fetch the Royal Wardrobe. Don't forget the orange leisure suits, you must wear one if you are to be my servant. Also get...eh..." whisperbris leaned close and told SLAM what else to get. "As for you, Christofori, please kidnap grl and bring her along too, we simply CAN'T go anywhere with her!"

MystiC-DarKnesS folded her arms and looked pouty. "Why can't I be kidnapped too? I'm jealous."

"Why, my dear!" explanatorybris said with a little chuckle, "Simply because I haven't enough servants! See? Grl's about to run poor Christofori off his feet as it is!"

Christofori was making a valiant attempt to chase after grl, but was having trouble keeping up as the grinning and giggling grl dashed through the room, along the walls, and across the ceiling. Eventually, she gave up so he wouldn't feel too bad.

SLAM walked back in the room, carrying a small bundle wrapped in brown paper and tied with a string.

Surprisedbris' eyes went wide as he stared at the package. "Is that...?"

"Yes, your majesty, it is," SLAM reported with a smile, "If his majesty should care to carry her, I shall kidnap MystiC-DarKnesS for his majesty.

"Ah, thank you," greatfulbris said, accepting the package, "my, she IS rather compact after all..."

SLAM proceeded to make a grab for MystiC-DarKnesS, who dodged while shoving a broken pencil down his throat.

Christofori, in the mean time, had somehow managed to carry grl over his shoulder, and followed HisMajestybris off into the desert.

SLAM decided on a different approach. Grabbing a large shipping box from behind the Kit Kat Bar, he boxed MystiC-DarkNesS up nicely, bade everyone a fond farewell, and walked off into the desert as well.

Several hours later, Kingbris called for a halt at an oasis. "Yes, I beleive that this will be an excellent place for my castle. You DID bring the things to build a castle...right?"

Christfori blushed, and reported that he hadn't.

"Damnation!" ragebris swore, "May BARRY have thine hide for this! How can I be a king if I don't even have a castle?"

Just then, SLAM caught up to them, and delivered. He unpackaged MystiC-DarKnesS, then turned the empty cardboard box upside down. Cutting a fancy window shape and door out with a pocketknife, he then produced a pen. He crawled inside the box, and drew what looked like a fireplace, with a crude portait of BARRY hanging above it.

"I call this the temporary castle, your majesty," SLAM reported, "I trust it meets his majesty's approval?"

A sudden storm swept accross the desert, bringing with it torrents of much-needed rain.

"Looks like it will have to do!" soakingbris yelled, and dove inside.

So, there they were, one king, two servants, and two maidens...not counting the package the king hadn't opened yet, all crammed inside the magnificent Temporary Castle of 'Bris. It wouldn't have been so bad except for His Excellency's whining about the leaky roof...

Miles away, the storm was hitting the downed SpaceStation #MA! *eerie echo* as well. Although a good bit of the station was rather destroyed, most of it provided excellent protection from the rain. They even had a working MOD player still behind the Kit Kat bar, and at the moment, were having a good time, all things considered. The only one complaining was CardBat, and he had been complaining for quite some time about this and that, and the fact that no one wanted to play Smoker with him. After several more hours of pounding rain, and CardBat's whining, even the easy-going people were starting to get on edge.

Finally, CardBat said something. "This is all those stupid #midi snatchers' faults!"

"f00l!" James-Bond yelled back, breaking his silence for once, "You probably led them here with that infernal ship of yours! This is all YOUR fault!"

James-Bond pointed an accusing finger at CardBat. No one was free from surprise when a lightning bolt lashed out from James-Bond's hand and struck CardBat dead. James-Bond looked at his hand in astonishment. He was about to point his finger at his face in the same manner to see if something would happen.

"I wouldn't do that," said a voice from the rain.

Everyone turned around, looking for who had just said that.

"Who said that?" Brainwash asked.

"Oh, just me," said a much smaller voice, and a little three-foot-tall man with a beard as tall as he was and a blue robe with golden stars and moons on it climbed into the dinner hall through the window. "I trust you like your gift, James-Bond?"

James-Bond looked at him, puzzled.

"Oh, oh, of course, of course," The little man said, tapping his forehead, "I forgot, none of you are from around here, are you? Well, that's my reason for giving James-Bond that gift. What I gave you, James-Bond, was magical power. In a place like this, you're going to need it to survive, after all."

"I don't believe in magic," James-Bond said flatly, folding his arms.

"Somehow I don't think poor CardBat did either," The figure said, pointing at the sizzling pile of goo that had been CardBat, "but, believe it or not, you've got it, and you're going to have to practice it if you and your friends are going to fight the enemy and make it off this planet. By the way, my name is..."

"Who?" Stary asked.

"My name is..." the short man tried again.

"What?" TrenteTrois questioned.

"My name IS..." the man tried once more.

inferno_45 hit a button on AcidTkr, producing a record-scratching sound.

"Hurlin!" the midget finally said, tired of interruptions, "and I am a mage. Indeed, yes, the most powerful mage on this planet."

"So...Hurlin..." Stary asked, "who exactly is this enemy?"

"Ah..." Hurlin said, stroking his beard, "I believe you already know him. Yes, in fact, you do. He and I are from the same place, the planet Quebec, originally. After his establishment, an all you can eat buffet and brothel, went out of business, he was forced to leave Quebec, so he told me. He ended up here, somehow, and I, having pity on his plight, instructed him in the Magickal Wheys. However, he didn't want to be my apprentice much longer, and ran off to build his own holding on this world. He and his allies are now too powerful for me to take alone. He brought you all here, seeking revenge for something-or-other, but he doesn't realize that in doing so, he brought people that can help me restore balance to this planet. The enemy, my friends, is BardCat."

James-Bond raised an eyebrow. "Okay...so I'm, the magical one here...I can deal with that. What do I do?"

"Well, first you must look a little more like a mage..." Hurlin said, waving his hand in the air. A set of robes very much like his own suddenly appeared over James-Bond's tuxedo, along with the same type of hat. "Hmm...yes, I suppose that will do."

"It's humiliating." James-Bond reported, looking at the robes disdainfully.

Hurlin narrowed his eyes. "It's what I wear, you know. Oh well, I suppose I should expect certain things to go out of style from one generation to the next...that reminds me, none of you listen to Elvis, do you?"

Everyone was silent.

"Hmph...figures. No one listens to Elvis anymore," Hurlin reflected sadly, "Very well, you may have new robes, James-Bond, but not until you prove yourself worthy of them. Now then, I must go now, I can't be caught getting involved with newcomers. But I will leave you with this bit of advice: Trust your friends, and help them, stick together, for that is the only way you will triumph. I see some of your comrades have already left you. Not to worry, I have one of my friends on their way to speak to them right now. Many of you will likely die before this is over...but not to worry. As long as the enemy is defeated, and I can get to the Magickal Wheys he is guarding, everything should be alright. Farewell, James-Bond, I name thee the Silent Mage, and grant you all Magickal Pow'rs, so far as you are able to learn. Buh-bye!"

In a flash of light, Hurlin disappeared, leaving in his place a book that must have been six inches thick, and weighed a good two hundred pounds. James-Bond could lift the book, and managed to get it to a table, but realized he would never be able to tote a thing like this around. Turning to the first page, eager to start learning anything that would help them off this planet, James-Bond read the following:

Magickal Light Spell of Weight Reduction

Don't plan on carrying this book without it!

"Well, that certainly explains things," James-Bond thought. He slapped his hands together and rubbed them, then practiced casting the spell on the book. It worked. James-Bond picked it up easily with one hand, and placed it in his robes.

"Hey!" Gammis yelled, "How'd he do that?"

"It was simple," James-Bond said, tossing the book from hand to hand, "It's as light as a feather. See?"

James-Bond tossed the book to Gammis, all the way across the room. Gammis reached out eagerly to catch it. The book hit his hands, and kept going, the true 200 pounds of book driving him through the metal wall.

James-Bond walked calmly over to Gammis, who seemed slightly dead. "Hmm...should've read the fine print," James-Bond remarked, as he took the book again, "'This spell affects only the caster. Do NOT throw the book at anyone unless you're trying to kill them with it!' Yes...that certainly explains it."

Gammis, as it turns out, was only slightly dead, but not quite. At the moment, he merely saw a light at the end of a tunnel, and was hearing his dead relatives calling him. James-Bond flipped to the table of contents, and looked up healing spells. He quickly waved his hand and chanted some words, learning now the Magickal Light Spell of Healing. Although he wasn't too powerful yet, he managed to cast it well enough that Gammis was able to sit up and mumble a few cuss words.

James-Bond, satisfied for the moment, tilted his ridiculous hat, and carried his book back into a corner to read from it, and learn what he could for later.

Meanwhile, over the desert, King Libris sat on the sand. They had long since abandoned the Temporary Castle, as it had more or less melted away under the rain.

Suddenly, the rain stopped. Or, at least it stopped raining on King Libris' entourage. The rain continued to pour everywhere else. Looking up to see what could have caused this remarkable change, Libris witnessed the massive bulk of a Green Dragon. It landed immediately, and kept its wings outstretched to keep the rain off of the terrified group. An awesome array of crystals and gems lined its otherwise-soft belly, and green scales gleamed with the pelting rain. It was at least thirty feet long. The dragon smiled down at them, a mortifying experience, to say the least.

"No need to worry," the dragon introduced itself, "I am Cryssalid, a friend of Hurlin the Wizard. I've come to help you."

Reaching inside his coat, King liquidatedbris pulled out the crude portrait of BARRY, the only part of the castle they had managed to save. He held it up high. "Be gone, in BARRY's name,  I tell you!"

Cryssalid rolled his eyes, "I work for that guy, now put that away. That's the worst portrait of BARRY I've ever seen. Now, do you want some help or not?"

Bashfulbris rubbed the toe of his boot in the sand. "I'm trying to start my own kingdom, but we seem to lack some...er...essential supplies."

"Ohohohoho," Cryssalid chuckled, "Why didn't you say so? Why, I know a group of warrior dwarves up north that've been trying to build a kingdom for YEARS, I tell you. They'd be a powerful kingdom and an awesome army, but they don't have a king. Why, Sir Bil, their champion, told me a while back that he would greatly appreciate it if I could find a king for him! He's a brave man, but, as with most of the dwarves...he's not too bright. What a great good fortune! I WAS supposed to take you back to your friends, but...I think Hurlin will understand in this case. This could help along this war considerably!"

"Huh?" Christofori queried, "what war?"

"Oh, the war against your old friend BardCat, of course," Cryssalid explained briefly what Hurlin had been up to at SpaceStation #MA. "I WILL have some explaining to do, of course, by not following Hurlin's request to the letter, but this is just too good an opportunity to miss! Here, Christofori, SLAM, grl, MystiC-DarKnesS - grab onto my claws, and we shall ride to the future kingdom of 'Bris!"

"Hey," SLAM yelled up at Cryssalid as they were taking off, "How do you know our names?"

"Oh, Hurlin told me who you were," Cryssalid answered, "Don't bother asking how he knew...I really don't understand him sometimes."

Cryssalid carried them above the storm, letting the sunlight dry them off. About half an hour away from the edge of the storm, they found a beautiful castle, surrounded by high stone walls and carven gate arches. A grand city surrounded it, and hundreds of dwarves could be seen scurrying about their daily business like little ants. The lookouts saw Cryssalid coming, and shouted the news excitedly to everyone. By the time the dragon had circled the great front gate of the castle and landed, the entire Dwarf army was in formation, and the rest of the city populous was clamoring behind them. Sir Bil, an unusually large dwarf of about seven feet in height, met King Libris and his group on the steps.

"Sir Bil," Cryssalid began, gesturing in Libris's direction, "I give you your king."

The crowd went wild as King Libris was presented with a set of royal robes, and the royal crown. Sir Bil knelt down and offered his sword into King Libris' service.

Libris was as happy as he had ever been. Finally, he had his true wish: A nice little kingdom with a white picket stone wall, and two chariots in the garage. Life was good, except for...

"0rcs!" one of the wall watchstanders cried, "0rcs! We're under attack!"

Sir Bil led King Libris up onto the white stone wall, and they witnessed the great 0rc army bearing down on the outer walls.

"The gates have already been closed, sire," Sir Bil assured Libris, "They cannot get in."

Suddenly, a huge battering ram, pulled by two mutant trolls, approached the gate.

"Well, shi..." Sir Bil began before Libris slapped a hand over his mouth.

"Really, Sir Bil," King Libris scolded him, "What would BARRY think of such language?"

Sir Bil didn't have time to answer as the battering ram made its first hit on the front gate.

"Quick, your majesty!" Sir Bil said, "What are your orders?"

"Ehm..." Libris said, leaning over the wall once again to assess the situation, "I put YOU in charge of security, Sir Bil, I'm not up for this sort of thing."

"But your majesty!" Sir Bil said, aghast, "You're our king now! You must lead us bravely into battle."

"Well...you're going to have to teach me how to do that, Sir Bil," Libris replied, "I just wanted a kingdom so I could live a life of comfort, laziness, gluttony, and sex. I don't mind going out to battle, but quite frankly, I've never done it before,"

"Oh, okay," Sir Bil said, understandingly, "Follow me, I'll teach you everything I know, sire. There's really nothing to it..."

********

 "It would be easy to say that everyone lived happily ever after," SLAM told the children, "but this just isn't the case. Much more must happen here first. Many battles must be fought, and many of our heroes must die gruesome deaths at the hands of BardCat and his Evil Minions. The new Kingdom of 'Bris is under siege, and those still on the station...we'll have to see what happens to them."

"Will there be lots of cool spells?" one little girl asked.

SLAM nodded. Yes, there would be.

"Will there be tons of awesome monsters that will give me nightmares too horrible to sleep through?" a little boy asked.

"Oh, yes, son, there will be many such monsters."

"Will there be fanciful unicorns, and beautiful princesses in distress, and wonderful knights in shining armor rushing to their aid?" another little girl asked, looking rather dreamy-eyed.

"Well...hmph...I was trying to avoid that motif..." SLAM said grudgingly, "but I suppose there could be. However, this little set-up is all I can give you for tonight. Run along home, and come back tomorrow night for the next chapter of..."

FANTASY PLANET #MA!
*ominous chord*

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